February 3, 2008

05.54 WIB

President University Student Housing, B2-08, Cikarang


It’s been a long and winding night, spending last night without sleeping. My eyes get red, my heart beats faster, my body’s hard to move, and my mind can’t think anymore. Everything goes so damn crazy. 

I know I was wrong, making such a lie to my lovely one. However, what I want to do was to bring back the smile and laugh you gave yesterday. I missed that smile. I missed the way you talk. I missed the time we chat till 3 in the morning. Never crossed my mind, what will happen was something as terrible as this. I wished I was crying. But I just could laugh it out loud, playing around with my friends, hiding the tears in my heart. Coz boys don’t cry, sweetheart. 

I called you 29 times, but you never turned the phone on. I knocked 3 times at your door, but it’s never been opened. I tried to make everything clear, but you never listen. I sent messages every hour and told you that I will wait for you listening to me, even till the morning. I did it, waiting for you the whole night without closing my eyes even for a minute, but you never came, and the phone never been turned on. Have you hated me this bad? Has it really hard for you to give that forgiveness? Or have I been the one that don’t deserve it? 

I never felt alone like this before. I never imagined I will break the weekend I planned before. You can ask my office mates, how I always wait for the weekend. You can ask them how boring my days have been from Monday till Friday. You can ask God, how I missed you so much in every second of my life… 

Maybe I am no one for you. Coz I know we have neither status nor engagement. But deep inside my heart, I pray that you could be the one I share my life with. I am so desperately in love, coz this love has grown so big, baby. If you don’t have so much of it as I do, I’m totally fine. However, please keep it from others, until I make it bigger, coz I promised you to do so. 

Once again, I know I have been act like a headless chicken by lying to you like that. I promised not to make you cry anymore, and I know I have failed. But please, babe, give me a chance to make it better. Only one thing I beg you this time: let’s give it a try one more time. Forgive me, and I promised I won’t let you hurt anymore. 

I don’t know what to do now. I really don’t. My mind was gone away. My brain couldn’t work. I can’t think of how I am going to work tomorrow. I can’t contact my parents that have been stuck by the flood. And I don’t care if I’m gonna collapse today. All the problems came really at the same time.  But still, all I can think of is us, our problem. I was so afraid that I’m gonna lose you…

I wish I was a good singer, so I could stand before your door, playing my guitar and singing beautiful songs as my apology. I wish I was a writer, that I will write a your-whole-wall-size poems, to let you know that I’m so sorry. I wish I could turn back the time, then I would have jumped back to that time and undo my stupid foolish lies. I am not Presley, Shakespeare, nor could I get back to the past. I am totally an ordinary guy, or maybe a peculiar one. But at least, I don’t have heart anymore. As I already gave it all to you….

If only you were here, you’ll know why the air is so cold and the sky keeps raining.

If only you were here, you’ll understand how I spent my whole night, with tears and guilty…


With love and all things I could give to you,



(*finally, the tears drop from my eyes…)